Not all hurt people hurt people. Unfortunately, though, the ones that do often wind up causing catastrophic damage to everyone around them, including themselves. In Zora Neale Hurston’s, Their Eyes Were Watching God, she says, “There are years that ask questions and years that answer.” This is the year that answers. No more letting other people spin their web of lies and deceit. We can’t control how others view us, or the harm they try to cause to our reputations out of their own malice and cowardice, but we can be the truest version of ourselves so much so that our sheer act of being flies in the face of every falsehood they tell. Truth always outlives the lie. Trying to control their narrative or insert yourself into their whirlwind of chaos only causes you to lose yourself in the process, wasting otherwise precious time and energy. You might as well join the circus at that point. No shade to real circus acts. Y’all do ya thing! But if you wrestle with pigs, you’re bound to get dirty. They’re not worth it & besides, pork is haram!

You have every right to be the main character in your life. You have every right to pursue your joy and happiness, especially if you’re not harming anyone in the process! And you have every right to cut off any & everyone hellbent on trying to make you as miserable as they are. Truly confident and secure people are not concerning themselves with tearing other people down or inserting themselves into someone else’s life to do maximum damage when that person has done nothing to wrong them, and they damn sure ain’t stooping down to any peon’s level who throws shade or acts with such blatant petty bravado that even children can tell they’re fraudulent. Truly confident and secure people are too busy vibrating at frequencies that the ignorant don’t even recognize exist, and they’re collaborating, celebrating, and communing with others who are on the same wavelength. So don’t ask why we’re not around you. Ask yourself which frequency you’re tuned into. Probably F for FOOLISHNESS!

Some people only want attention and they’re mad at you because you’re not giving it to them. Energy is currency. Some people crave attention so badly that they will do anything to get it. And while, yes, energy is energy, and you can, as an alchemist, transmute the negative into positive power, everyone is not. So they don’t stop to think and reflect on the implications their actions leave in regard to their children, their legacy, and all the people who are attached to their circle. You want attention, you want “fame,” you want things of this world, but what is all that going to do for you in the grave? When you’ve sown so much discord & used your time here creating nothing but tom foolery —physically & energetically—all for the sake of “being known,” what happens when the truth stands up and the Lord makes it so no one remembers you like a flash in the pan?

There’s a bitterness, a hardening of the heart, that happens when you’ve been single too long, particularly if you’re single and unhealed. It’s a certain brashness about those kinds of people. Especially towards the people they’re closest to. They lash out. Are incredibly curt. Don’t offer any type of kindness or grace. A reflection of their inner world, obviously, but hurtful and harmful to those on the receiving end. You forget yourself. You forget that you’re worthy of love, and you’re especially worthy of loving yourself even while rollin’ solo. And I don’t mean the fake love, or the superficial aesthetic of “self-love.” I mean the soul work of self-love. The being able to sit with yourself and others in the discomfort. To hold space for others. To hold space for yourself. Real growth and maturity is being wounded and not holding people who weren’t the cause of that wound emotionally hostage to your pain. But most people use others as a means to escape themselves. They can wax poetic all they want about love and companionship but the reality is they can't even look themselves in the mirror and say I love you, and actually mean it.

When you come from a family of generations of predominantly unmarried women, the abrasiveness is glaring. It was glaring a long time ago, but when you don’t have to deal with certain individuals on a regular basis, it’s easy to brush off and turn the other cheek. Grad school was really the beginning of my healing journey. If acting is living truthfully under imaginary circumstances, and thus, in order to do so, we have to study human behavior, I mean I might as well have gotten my phD in psychology immediately afterwards because that’s exactly what we were doing; studying human behavior. And in order to do justice to any role, you have to look within yourself and see what part of you would do x, y, z under the given circumstances. The good actors, nay, the GREAT, actors, get it. You forget that you’re watching Name Brand Celebrity because they absolutely embody the character they’re playing by being them and not playing at them. Ugh. That’s the stuff that really gets me goin! But when you start getting to the root and paying attention to people’s patterns that permeate their lives, and you notice some of these same things in yourself that if left unchecked— welp, there’s your future, no better than the rest!—inevitably you’re going to want to make a change for the better, for yourself.

It’s said that in the first 7 years of our lives, we are programmed with the system’s default factory settings—the system being the family—and the rest of your years are basically spent on autopilot operating under other people’s ideologies. My reason for writing 99 Reasons to Love You was to break that programming. To understand & implement the life that I want for myself, the life that God wants for me. To leave behind a different legacy. Since I was a child, I always questioned everything. Why do we do this? Why do we have to do it like that? What if we did it another way that made it more equitable for everyone? Yes, I knew the word equitable before the age of 7. I’m a fucking prodigy. And that in itself, while at first endearing, ruffled a lot of adult feathers. Some people don’t like being questioned because they’ve never stopped to question themselves. They’ve never stopped to question their own programming so what answer are they going to have for a child that’s immune to the factory settings?

When I was in 6th grade, I entered the annual writing contest—as I had done every year—with a short story I wrote called, The Convict: Escape of Armando Alvarez. I submitted it to my teacher promptly before the deadline with full faith and conviction that I was going to win this thang. It was TOO good! I have always bean a great writer. Do please go back and question all my English teachers if you haven’t done so already, ya filthy animals. I am confident they will corroborate my story. Anyways, after the winners were announced (and I wasn’t named), we were supposed to receive our submissions back, only mine never came. A week passed. Then two. I questioned her daily. Where tf is my story, bish!? Of course I wanted it back. I wanted it for my records. I impressed the fuque outta myself with my work and I wanted to be able to look back on it when I became a famous writer and say, “See kid. I knew you were gonna do it back then.”

*Little me wearing my mom’s shirt lol. I always wore her clothes. And still do!*

Two months passed. At this point I had to get my mother involved because I knew that bitch was lying. She either didn’t submit it, destroyed it, or both! She was always catty towards me. Imagine a grown ass teacher being trite to an 11 year old. She didn’t want me to win. Unfortunately, there are still some white educators who can’t stand a highly intelligent black child (especially if they come from a good home and are socially well-adjusted) and will go out of their way to try to thwart that child’s progress because, in their minds, why should they elevate and I’m stuck here living my miserable ass life? B*tch because you’re a loser! I’ve seen it happen in real time working as an educator who was not the main teacher in the classroom, and especially if there’s only one or two black children in the class? AND they’re smart? Fuhgetaboutit! I know God put me there though for their defense in those moments. I will always stand up for the children. But back to me!

Of course I didn’t call my teacher a loser, even though she was, but she told my mom she didn’t have it, never got it back, and there was nothing she could do. But, if it miraculously turned up, she would return it. Again, lies. I seethed at her everyday for the remainder of the year. I wanted to slap that hoe upside her monkey ass head! She did something to my work and I wanted justice!! Roughly 15 years later, my suspicions would be confirmed when a movie of the same name came out: The Convict (2014). Now I’m not saying they stole my story, but I’m not not saying they stole my story. While the storyline was different, the premise was the same. You think just because time went by I would forget what’s mine? NEVUUHHH! I hate that bitch to this day.

There are people in this world who will go out of their way to try to keep you down, even when they could’ve been a part of it and reaped the rewards of doing so. We can’t be deterred by the mentally disturbed. They are fighting their own demons that your light causes to come to the forefront and face. And they don’t like what they see. But in the words of the GREAT Aali, "When you shine your light, you will cast a shadow. But it’s none of your business what these bitches is mad fo." My victory, my success, my glory had been decreed. And because it comes from the Most High, no man (or woman!) can take it away from me. I shall have my recompense! And God shall have His vengeance.

Going through all my mom’s things makes me think about all the little moments I won’t get to have with her anymore and the ones I won’t be able to share for the 1st time. Like, she’s not going to see me get married—although, at this point I’m about to be done with society & go be a monkette in a monastery in a remote land far far FAR away, but story for another day!—or how we’re not going to be watching the Downton Abbey movie together like we planned. We both loved that show. She was too excited for the movie. I was looking forward to watching it with her. Now available! I haven’t watched it yet, so no spoilers!! When I do, grab me a box of tissues, will you? But the more important (and greedy) things are the one ones I’ll miss the most, like never being able to taste her world famous bean pie and cheesecake ever again. When I was making my trek cross country & stopped in Texas to see her, she made her customary batch—one for each of her babes!—a little something to help get me through my long journey. I was heavy on my plant based clean eating only, but there was no way in all of high heaven I was gonna turn down my mom’s bean pie! (though I did end up throwing it all up from the dairy intake) But it shol’ was good doe! And I would do it all over again just to be able to savor one more slice with her and say, Thanks for the memories, Madre.

When I got settled into my new place, I wanted to bless it with a homemade pie so I called up Mumzie to help me create a vegan version. No I will not be sharing the recipe! It ended up turning out pretty darn good if I do say so myself. Even so, some things simply can’t be replicated, even coming from the best to evuhhh do it. Mom just had the touch. And oh boy will it be greatly missed.

*My bean pies. Different ingredients will inevitably yield different results, like the very fluffy top, but the filling tasted very close to the real thing! Practice makes perfect.*

Ok so Halloween is just right around the corner. 2 weeks away. What are you guys thinking? Are we doing something scary or we gonna go for something a bit more whimsy and magical? Comical even? I don’t know what I’ll be doing to be perfectly honest, but let’s take a walk down memory lane at my favorite Halloween costume to date! Me as Pizazz, leader of the Misfits. 🤟🏾

*Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! I want it! So gimme! Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! I need it! So gimme! Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! Or I’ll take it & make it mine!*

I went to a (wack ass) vegan Halloween party this year. This was my first LA Halloween actually & while I knew I fucking nailed the Jem & the Holograms reference, the uncultured thought I was the girl gremlin from the Gremlins: 2 lol Rude!

Anyways, that’s all she wrote for tonight, Sweet HaHts. I hope you’re having a beautiful day wherever, and whenever you are. You could be anywhere in the world, but here you are. With me. And I love that for you. And I love that even more for me. Have an awesome rest of your week and an even more special weekend. Thanks so much for breathing here, and as ever and always, thank you for being a friend. See you back here same time next week. Stay blessed EveryBuddy & Godspeed!

Love Always (& besitos!),

The Queen of Rock & Roll (Who Do Looketh GRRREAT in Green Tho!)

years that answer

A Time for change, or, he lives in you