A Time for change, or, he lives in you
I’ve been waking up in the midnight hours these past few nights with the light of the bright full moon seeping in through the window illuminating almost the entirety of the room. It’s been nice to wake up to kisses from the moonlight. Of course I stayed up and performed my obligatory seance as we witches are wont to do during the full moon. Especially under this moon. It’s harvest season. Time to reap what you sowed.
Harvest Moon over the Andes Mountains in Chile by Yuri Beletsky
I had lunch with my mom’s friend a couple weeks ago after donating some of her unused medical supplies to the nursing facility where she had a short stint just before she passed. I would like to take this opportunity to thank the people at Ignite Medical Resort for their kindness and care for her during her final days. I forgot to mention them in my thank you video. Charge it to my head, not my heart. After donating the items, we popped over to Costco where she put me on to their iced mocha coffee. Let’s just say I’m officially addicted. We sat and had some pizza too because, well, pizza! and chatted about life, current events, and of course, my mom. I’m grateful she had a friend like her down here. When I first heard her voice over the phone, I thought it was my aunt from New York. They sounded so much alike. Getting to know her since I’ve been here, she has that same generosity of spirit like my aunt too. And, also being a mother to a brood of one more than my mom (nine!), she understood my mom in ways many people can’t relate to. It was nice to see my mom through her eyes, comforting to know she had a Muslim sister here in whom she could put her trust and confide. Islamic community is so important. I know my mom missed hers back home in Ohio so it is good that she found that here, in her. She was a great support to my mom before and during her final days, visiting her weekly at home, in the hospital, and in the nursing home. They were a great support for one another, and I’m grateful for that, as well as her continued support and care for us in the days and month following my mom’s death, particularly her warmth and generosity towards me. She reminds me a lot of my mom in many ways. It was like having a second mom during this transition. I truly appreciate her for it. I know my mom does too. May Allah (swt) reward her for her kindness to this wayfarer.
Two of my favorite things: pizza & coffee. We got 2 more coffees for the road because, yes, they are THAT good! Shout out Costco!!!
During my mom’s hospital stay on any given “night off,” I snuck out to a couple nearby joints for a coffee or quick bite. My diet has been absolute shyte these last 4 months, but October is the month of correction so we’re getting back on track. Thank you for your attention the mattuuhhhh! The food scene here hasn’t been much to write home about if I’m being totally honest, but I'm not one to highlight the negatives so if you don’t make it to the blog, your food wasn’t shit! Haha! Laughing but very serious. I will say though, the boba hits every time.
Cheers!
A video came across my FYP of this woman talking about the tough decision she made to go no contact with her family after she left the Mormon church. I only watched a snippet before scrolling on. Ironically though, the next day, news of a Mormon church burning down flooded my timeline. This isn’t about that, but prayers for all the victims involved. There’s too much loss happening in the world at the hands of others. What’s it gonna take for us to live in mutual respect & peace? But back to the video—this woman was talking about her decision to leave the church due to her experiences, and subsequently, after much consideration, her & her husband disconnecting with family because every time she spoke out about her experience to her online following, her parents (mainly) took it as a personal attack against them and would harangue her about it, denying her lived experience, to the point where she & hubs decided it was best for all parties to just not speak. Again, this after much thought, consideration, and attempts to implement boundaries that repeatedly kept being crossed.
I couldn’t help but draw comparisons to my own experience—how, when healing generational trauma, inevitably, the people in your familial eco-system take it as a personal affront to them, often shaming, gaslighting, or attempting to tarnish your reputation (or erase you entirely from your shared history) with other family members due to their own comfortability in the dysfunction, refusing to acknowledge or give any credence to the harmful and detrimental patterns that stunt the lineage and continue to prohibit their own growth and evolution. Listen, we can’t make people change. And just because we choose to heal doesn’t mean other people have to. That’s fine. I believe everyone comes to the truth eventually. But to try to stop someone from continuing their journey, is where the line gets drawn.
Bell Hooks talks about this in All About Love. She says that in dysfunctional families, highlighting the dysfunction often leads people to be angry and projecting onto you, criticizing things that aren’t even relevant (but relevant to the point you’re making regarding their dysfunction!), and leaves them with the notion that dysfunction equates to no love at all, but that love itself is comprised of various ingredients: care, affection, recognition, respect, commitment, trust, & open and honest communication. But, in her research, the definition of love she found most apt is love as “the willingness to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own and another’s spiritual growth.” (M. Scott Peck, The Road Less Travelled) I think I may have cited this in one of my mediation moments, but it’s worth reiterating. Love and abuse cannot coexist. Abuse (whether physical or emotional) and aspects of love—care & affection—can coexist, which is why people in abusive situations often feel confused and conflicted. She goes on to write about how a great number of people come from dysfunctional family units, herself included.
This, unfortunately, is not unique. But that she, in her healing journey, didn’t want to come across as disparaging to her parents (samesies). The term dysfunction is more a useful description than an absolute negative judgement, because, even in the dysfunction, there were still positive aspects and experiences. And particularly when there was so much good to be appreciated & replicated, it can be seen as hurtful to those in the familial unit because of their own negative perceptions to the term as well as their unwillingness to look any deeper than that negative connotation. But in order to heal, you must be willing and able to identity the points of pain and then work through them. The spirit knows when it is a time for change, and when you want better for your life, you have to be willing to make that change within and for yourself, even at the expense of other people’s comfort.
Texas has a lot of wildlife here that I’ve never seen before. A few days before my mom passed I saw a frickin armadillo in the backyard! Did I tell you that already? We are by a nature preserve so sightings are not uncommon, but it was my first and it was the coolest thing! Scary, because I didn’t know what the hell was coming at me. They have poor eyesight and it was dark. I think we both scared each other, but it was pretty freakin awesome nevertheless. Then, couple weeks ago as I was returning from a late night walk-cry, a gigantic owl flew across my path just as I was about to cross the street. It landed on a branch directly in front of me, and slowly, eerily, turned its owl head, looking me straight in the eyes, peering into my soul. It was gigantic!
The Barred Owl, native to this area. Not the one I saw, but it’ll do for a reference point! Photo cred: Steve Tabone Nature Photography
Apparently this particular owl has a wingspan of 4 feet. I dunno what this thing was on, but it was the size of my torso! I had never seen an owl before. I thought those things were all small and demure. Yea. No. At least, not this one. It towered over me in the darkness, illuminated only from the side by a nearby street light. We just stared at one another for a long moment and then, just as suddenly as it appeared, it turned its owl head back from whence it came and swiftly flew off in the same direction. I said what the helly! Owls are harbingers of the other side, carrying signs of protection, wisdom, intuition, and the ability to see beyond the surface—mysteries into the spiritual realm hidden beyond the veil. They are also signs of rebirth and transformation. I immediately thought of my mom; her letting me know, or God letting me know through this messenger of the night, that I wasn’t alone. She is with me. She lives in me.
Lebo M. He Lives In You, The Lion King at The Hollywood Bowl (don’t at me! 🤨)
In Chinese symbolism, owls are also considered omens of good luck, increased abundance, & repelling negative energy from the home, and well, IYKYK! But, story for another day…
I know my gorgeous Pretties are wondering when I will be back with my longer format meditation talks, and I assure you, I see you. I hear you. I feel you. Patience, grasshopper. It’ll all work out in the end. You’ll see. Oh! Look at me. Jabbering on while there’s supper to get on the table!
Well, Sweet Hahts, that’s all she wrote for tonight. This moment in time is just about recalibration. With great change, one must attune oneself to spirit and listen with the heart, as always, but especially now. It won’t be soon before long. I follow the lead of my Lord, and when He tells me it’s my time, well all I can say is HALLELUJAH! AND GOODBYE MISERY! I DON’T EVA WANNA SEE YO UGLY FACE AGAIN!
A Raisin in the Sun (1989), American Playhouse, directed by Bill Duke
Me (Ruth) A Raisin in the Sun (2013), Rutgers Theatre Co directed by Leah C. Gardener, with castmate & classmate Landon G. Woodson (Walter Lee)
I hope you all are having a beautiful week. I hope this finds you all at peace. You could be anywhere in the world, but here you. With me. Thank you for breathing here. And as ever and as always, thank you for being a friend. See you next week. Stay blessed, EveryBuddy & Godspeed!
Love Always (& besitos!),
Your Darling American Sweetheart (in dire need of the beach, yo)
Ciao bellos!
