I have a lot to say. I’m a writer. I always have a lot to say. There are a million thoughts running through my head at any given time of day about a million different things. I too am a lot of things.

I’ve taken this month to process. To grieve. To tie up loose ends. To clean. But mainly I’ve taken this time to gain more understanding. To love myself in peace. We’re in a new season of life. Literally & spiritually. It’s fall now, and God gives us the perfect example of the ever-changing nature of things in Mother Nature herself. My mother is no longer here with us, Allah yerhamha. It’s been one month and 3 days to be exact. I always thought I was going to have more time. This part of the story wasn’t shown to me in life’s forecast. Not yet anyway. Or so I thought. But we make plans, and He makes plans, and God is the Best of Planners. I accept His will. This was how it was meant to be. But it still hurts nonetheless. And I’m sad that I missed so much time, unable to get to her because of the coordinated plots to block my wealthfare, my comeuppance, my simply living in peace & dignity. Apparently when you mind your own business, work on yourself, and don’t bother people, it bothers people. Outright lies, manipulation, jealousy, & deceit robbed me of time and money. A lot of it by strangers, but a great amount too by those who claimed to love me. People who I loved once. People who if I shared the truth about the real lengths they went out of nothing but jealousy & envy, my mother would come back from the dead just to kick their monkey ass. I spared her that part. She already had enough to deal with. But they’ll get what’s coming to them. Losers always lose, and one thing about it, they lost the best thing that could’ve ever happened for them: God’s Grace. I thank Him for delivering me from the evil of those people, and the darkness surrounding that place. DISCLAIMER: IF YOU ARE THINKING OF TRYING TO GET BACK IN MY GOOD GRACES, SAVE IT. YOU ALREADY SHOWED YOUR TWO FACES AND THEY BOF BASIC!

Now, it’s time to move forward. Begin again. In a new iteration of life. A new way of being, without one of my two bestest friends in the world (Pops being the other).

Growing up my mom, like most black mothers, would always be like, “I’m not ya lil’ friend.” And she wasn’t. She was a leader. She was our leader. She was our fearless protector and provider. She was our beacon of hope and our pillar of strength. And I’m glad for that, because I got to grow up and become friends with her later in life. And through healing, unlearning patterns, breaking generational habits that continue to plague those who are unwilling to look in the mirror at themselves and do the work required to come out of the fog of their own ignorance, I was able to understand and empathize with her in a way that adolescence and naivety wouldn’t have allowed me to. And an even deeper respect bloomed. We learn a lot about others by learning about ourselves. We see the world differently. A clearer picture from a higher perspective. And in the end, through it all, I came to realize that my mom was just a girl, doing her best with the tools that she had in order to make a way for herself and provide her (eight!) children with something a little better than what she had. And then when you go out and make your way in the world and encounter some truly deplorable people with no home training, integrity, morals, or values, you further understand and appreciate that you really didn’t have it so bad. In fact, you had it much better than most! And I’ma do tha best I can wit what I got! *MC voice* 🦋

Yes, there are cycles to break. Yes, heartbreak thrust me down this path of healing and breaking those cycles so that I can provide my offspring with something even better. But it has also shown me just how debilitating heartbreak can be. And I didn’t have 8 mouths to feed while I was trying to heal and figure my shit out. What a blessing. And when she & my dad were there for me during my miscarriage—what I thought was the hardest moment in my life up until now—my admiration & respect only deepened. She was my greatest blessing. The prophet (sas) said that paradise lies at the feet of your mother. And when I arrived in Texas, the first thing I did was give her a foot treatment. When was the last time you had someone rub your feet for you after a long day? I soaked them, applied a foot mask, then scrubbed and washed and oiled them down with some lavender oil. I wanted to do something nice for her. I missed her. I missed a lot of time with her these last 3 years. I should’ve left LA a long time ago. People neglect to realize the ramifications of their actions outside of the one individual they choose to target. Or maybe they do and just dgaf. That will always be my next greatest sadness outside of this circumstance, because absolutely NONE of it had to happen at all, let alone the way that it did! Beware the lengths unhealed & unhinged people will go to try to destroy the light of those who shine in God’s Light, especially when they can’t shine on their own. But the prophet (sas) also said, “Do not say, ‘If only I had done this or that.’ The word ‘if’ opens up the gates of satanic thought.” (In other words, leads you down the rabbit hole of misery!) “Only say, ‘It happened by the will of Allah.’”

This is a whole new world order. A new feeling. Something deeply profound that leaves me with a thousand thoughts a second, yet still renders me utterly speechless, unable to articulate the true essence of what exactly this is. I know she’s at peace. I’m thankful for that. She was in so much pain for so long, and she stayed strong for us for so long, downplaying the gravity of it so as to try not to worry us, not worry me. She knew I worried about her. She also knew the truth of what happened to me. And she never wavered in her support, always up for my artistic shenanigans even from the hospital bed. Because true artists create in every circumstance. Life is the inspiration. And even in the depths of her despair, she still tried to protect me from worrying about her while I was away. Of course it didn’t work, but God works in mysterious ways because, though the circumstances that brought me here were despicable, and those same people even went as far as engaging “family” to come up against me, when I arrived, it was written all over her face that this was the end, and I was not about to let any evil touch the sanctity of my last moments with her. I had already been robbed of enough.

Grad school graduation. The MFA stands for Muh Fuqin’ Artist, b*tch! 🤟🏾

And still she tried to be strong. She tried to take care of me when she was the one who needed care. But that’s a mother’s true love, innit? Always going to try to shield her kids. Always going to try to be strong even in the face of death. It’s time for me to be strong for her now. To continue on even though the pain of her absence is utterly breathtaking. Even when I can’t get through writing a single sentence of this fucking shit without breaking down in a sea of tears. This is a part of life though. Moving through the sorrow, breathing through the bullshit, praying for a better tomorrow, and being present & willing to feel every part of it.

I have a lot to say. About a lot of things, but time & place for everything. This right here is a dedication. And on this, the 3 year anniversary of Godward: 99 Reasons to Love You—fka Higher Self-Ish: A Time to be Aligned—I remind myself of why I started this journey, asking God to use me as His instrument of good to heal the world through better understanding His Love. And I give thanks for the lessons and blessings I’ve garnered along the way. But most of all, I give thanks to God for granting me the ultimate gift of a mother’s true love, and for the opportunity of being able to tell her that in person, face to face during her final days. This is by far the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, and hands down my least favorable part of this earthly experience. But, being born just 5 days before her 28th birthday (where my Capricorn Queens??), and sharing her initials, she is hands down the best birthday gift I could ever have. I choose her love in every lifetime. Thank you Mama. Thank you Allah. And thank you for breathing here. You could be anywhere in the world, but here you are. With me. Stay blessed, EveryBuddy. And Godspeed.

Love Always (& besitos!),

Her Royal Highney-ness, Aaliyah Muneerah Habeeb, daughter of the TRUE Queen, Arlyne Michele (Malika) Habeeb, & Champion of the People

Float like a butterfly. Sting like a bee 🦋 🐝

If you, or someone you know if going through a hard time, check out these tips for taking care of yourself during your time of grief. And if you need it, never be afraid to seek professional help. God loves you & wants you to be your highest & BEST self. Bismillah!

a new world order, or, please hesitate to reach out to me

for my next trick, Or, A Prophet’s pilgrimage