I think the hardest part about grief is that it’s not the sad moments that make you sad. It’s actually the happy ones. It’ll be a moment of stunning beauty when you think, “Man, my mom would love this view!” and then you realize you can’t FaceTime her to show it to her yourself.

One of the things that brought me solace when I was in that other part of California, was my proximity to the beach. There’s a slew of meditation videos recorded there. Feel free to have a looksie! Anywho, whenever I frequented my spot, I would FaceTime my mom so she could see the ocean. After she fell last year, she was able to get out less and less until, well, you know the rest, but I wanted her to have a piece of the outside world, a piece of my world, just a piece of peace from the her burdens. She loved the ocean. Miami, she said was her favorite vacation. During our time together she confided that she should have moved there when she had the chance. She loved Miami Beach. Now how my mama been to Miami and I ain’t never been?! A hot girl for real. Lol.

She made peace with the life she chose for herself, but nevertheless, we all have things, if given the chance, we might go back and do differently. My main wish for her was that she had chosen herself more. Everyone says when you have kids you’ll understand the sacrifice, and I know that’s true to an extent, but at the same time, experiencing childhood from a multi-child perspective, even when I was little, I knew it was too much. And again, definitely part of a generational, multi-racial/cultured, socio-economic difference, but parenthood shouldn’t mean a complete erasure of yourself. No relationship should mean an erasure of the self. And that is why we heal and get to the root of this self avoidance.

We are the only constant relationship we will forever have, so if we don’t love ourselves so wholly, so completely, so undeniably that everyone we encounter is forced to look at their own level of self love and rise to meet themselves, then, when we enter relationships, they won’t truly be adding anything of real substance to our lives, and instead just be another prop in this make believe world we’ve created for ourselves. But who needs set dressing and fake props when God gives you this gorgeous backdrop, Sweet HaHt? Come on!

*The Big Picture. Sunrise over the Amargosa Mountains*

Quiet moments like this make me remember. And the mountains make me reflect on something much larger than myself. They force me to look at things from a different view. Embrace a higher perspective. Zoom out and look at the big picture. And anyways, remembering isn’t so bad. Our memories are what shape us. So, here’s rememberin’ you, kid…

We never really “celebrated” Thanksgiving growing up. Though my mom always made a feast because everyone had off for the day, we were taught everyday is a reason to be thankful, so it wasn’t a holiday so much as just a day to reset and chill. And once I left home—working in hospitality—I worked every major holiday so it was just another day for me, but always a good day nonetheless! Therefore, in the spirit of thanks, I dedicate this edition to my favorite things to be thankful for at the moment. In no particular order:

1.) Prickley Pear Soap

The smoothest, most softest, most butteriest soap that ever soaped. I’m obsessed with my skin after I use this!

2.) Palm trees

Did I show you this pic already? Well look at it again! A stroll amongst the palm trees is always win win.

3.) Coffee

4.) And tea!

*Join me for a cuppuhhh if you so please!*

5.) me!

Remember how we started this episode? Loving yourself is the highest frequency!

6.) Sisley

I fear my obsession level is on a thousand wit dis one 🫦

7. ) Starry Nights

Metaphorically speaking obviously, but the painting is cool too. Unfortunately though, I just don’t have a great quality cam to take pics of the gorgeous desert night sky. On my list to do!

8.) Right here now

Lastly, I’m thankful for this moment right here, right now. Sometimes I’ll be going about the day and suddenly catch myself, realizing I’m holding my breath and then I take a loud audible breath in & sigh.

In actor training, while studying Alexander technique, one thing we had to do during our breath work, every loud breath out, we’d repeat, “It’s alright. It’s alright. It’s alright.” To be totally for real, some of the stuff we trained in, I had no idea wth dem people was talm bout! But you go along, one, because this is what you signed up for, and 2) in order to learn something new, you have to go through the process even during the uncertainty of it all. And then as if by frickin’ magic, once I left school and started acting and auditioning in the real world, suddenly everything I learned in my training began to make sense. I’d be preparing for an audition, or in an audition itself, or on stage mid-performance and it would hit me, “Oooooooh! It is alright!” IYKYK

And now, in this moment, I can bring this full circle to the present and apply that very same principle to life right now today, to this new iteration of life, this grief, this being something while being nothing all at the same damn time. When you’re going through it, you’re not always going to understand it, but you still gotta move through it. With patience. With resilience. With compassion. With grace. Because only you know what God has brought you through. And He knows exactly the time & place He is bringing you to.

And with that, I bid you adieu, my friends. I hope you have yourself a thankful rest of the week, and a beautiful weekend. Wherever you are, wherever you may be, you could be anywhere, but here you are. With me. And I love that for you. And I love that for me. In this crazy world, you’re the type to make a gal hold fast to her beliefs. Thank you for sprinkling your love on me. Right back atcha, My Sweets. See you next week! Stay blessed, EveryBuddy & Godspeed.

Love Always (& besitos!)

One day they’ll learn that only in loving YOURSELF is where you’ll find the cheat code!

the big picture